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Wise Old Redneck Guru Shares His Wisdom 
Wise Old Redneck Guru Meditating, to gain wisdom

May 18, 2011

Name: Michelle State: Mississippi Questions: Dear Redneck Guru, I need your help. My ex husband and I divorced in 2007. I haven't spoke to him since 2009. We didn't have a bad divorce we just grew apart. Im still in love with him and I cant stop thinking about him. I know its a 5% chance of us every talking about but its like that saying if you love something let it go and if it comes back its yours. I want him to come back. I don't know how to get ahold of him at all. I haven't talked to anyone about this because Im scared I will get rejected.. Since your a man and give really good advice what do you think I need to do.


Michelle the Wise Old Redneck Guru will give you a couple of avenues to pursue this situation. As we travel down the road of life, we find ourselves growing and maturing. We tend to use this as a reason to separate from the ones we love. It is like when I was growing up and meditating with Grandpa Redneck, he would point out to me how the cows would always try and eat the grass on the outside of the fence when there was grass in the pasture. As the old saying goes, the grass is greener on the other side of the hill. Then we find out it was the same grass. Enough of me going down memory lane, back to your problem.
In your question, you mentioned that your divorce was not a bad divorce. This would indicate to the Wise Old Redneck Guru, that both of you still had feelings for each other, but did not realize it, when you got the divorce. It may have been the correct thing to do at the time, but now you have second thoughts and need to know for your own peace of mind. First I would advise you to find out what he is doing now, is he marred? Living with someone? This would complicate what you seek. If he is still single then by all means contact him. You will never have peace until you do. He may feel the same way but would never contact you first, for it would be a sign of weakness on his part and he may be even more scared of being rejected. Men seem to avoid rejection even more than females. It is an ego thing!
Now for the advice when you do contact him... When you do, DO NOT let him know how you feel right off. You both will have to get to know each other again and NEVER, NEVER, think it will be the same as when you first met. You both have grown and matured. Treat it as a new and exciting adventure. The simple answer to your questions is yes go forth and find the man you love and if he does not feel the same, truly let him go and move on. This will give you closure.

Good luck with your quest!

May 9, 2011

Name: Lynn State: Florida Questions: Redneck Guru please help! I am dating the father of my 11 month old son and we are not doin good at all. I am ready to leave and I have a place to go I just dont know how to tell him. I really believe he is clueless to me being this miserable! I have made excuses for him over the past year because his dad pasted away last February and it was hard on him. Now its to the point now where its like we just live together nothing else. Ive told him before thats how I feel but nothing has changed. What should I do?

Well Lynn, the Wise Old Redneck Guru should be able to help you in this matter. First let me say that the Guru never encourages families separating when there is a little one involved, but there are times when it has to be. The simple and easy way to get his attention would be with a big stick up side his head, but in today?fs world this would land you in jail!
If you have told him that you are unhappy and he still thinks all is good and outside counseling is not an option, then you need to get out as soon as possible. It may not get any better, until you do something as drastic as leaving him. When he starts paying child support, he will surely wake up and smell the roses! For some reason you two have drifted apart affectionately, but he still enjoys having you around. I assume telling him straight up is not how you would like to approach this situation.
There are a couple of ways to leave if you have a place to go. The easiest would be to pack as much of your stuff as you can, in whatever time you have, when he is away from the house and leave with the little one. Then you can go back and get whatever you have left when he settles down and stops ranting and raving. This would give him a big clue to you being miserable, trust me! Another way to do it is to simply rent a moving van and hire two or three big dudes or a couple of your family members, to help you put all your belongings in the van. This would keep him from getting irate when you are leaving and trust me if he has no clue that you are leaving, he will be upset! In time you will either get back together or move on, but the Wise Old Redneck Guru hopes that both of you stay involved in your sons' life, no matter how it turns out!

I wish you well!

March 28, 2011

Name: Faith Ann State: Georgia Questions: HELP! See..me and some buddies of mine were havin' a contest on who can clog the toilet fastest. Well..what happend is the septic got all clogged up and I dug it up and EVERYTHING popped out of the ground. It still smells. Should I call someone to fix it? Or do you have a tip?(p.s) Im NOT kiddin'.

Well this is a new one on the Wise Old Redneck Guru! In all my travels and time in the world, never have I heard of such a contest, but I guess it is not surprising when the Olympics has grown men sweeping clean ice as a contest. I am still not sure toilet clogging will ever become a major sporting event or let us hope not!
Now to respond to your question: The easiest way to fix the problem would be to call a professional and let them go to work. This would also be the most expensive solution and I am sure they would encourage you to have a weekly toilet clogging contest. Being that the septic tank popped up out of the ground this would indicate it is not full of substance, therefore your problem is not in the tank itself. The clog is in the pipe going to the tank, however, now you have to get the tank back into the ground. I would imagine the reason it popped up would be because of the water table. When you uncovered the tank the water pushed it to the surface. The tank is acting like a boat floating on water. You have a few options to get the tank back into the ground; one wait until the dry season when the water table drops and the tank will then sink back into place, your second option would be to pump the water out of the hole that the tank was in until the tank sinks back into place, your third option would be to dig another hole and relocate the tank, preferably where the water table is lower.
I do hope this is of some help!
Wise Old Redneck Guru

June 26, 2010

J.T. from Florida asked the Wise Old Redneck Guru; Are you scared of snakes?

J. T., the Wise Old Redneck Guru will give you the short response to your question now and explain his reasoning in a new Redneck Guru report. In one word "ABSOLUTLY!!!!!" This fear started at a young age, but even today when I come in contact with one of Gods slithering creatures, my skin crawls! EWWWWWWW ! Check out the Redneck Guru report for the full details.

November 19, 2009

Oh Wise Old Redneck Guru please help me! Every year my husband spends hundreds of dollars on hunting clothes. He has the same clothes he has had for over 10 years to wear out with me and our friends on special events. How can I get him to buy new clothes to wear when we go to social gatherings?


" Desperate Wife"


I am glad you asked this question. To be totally honest with you " Desperate Wife", the simple response would be, you can not! Live with it, it is part of Life! But I would not be the Wise Old Redneck Guru if I did not have some solution to your problem. First , let me tell you that all men have this overpowering need to have the newest and latest clothing for the hunt. Kinda like a status symbol in the hunting camps. It is like for a few days or weeks he reverts back to his cave man heritage and believes he is providing meat for the family and it is important to have the best camo clothing available to accomplish this feat, (even though all animals are color blind)! Now, convincing him to get new Sunday-go-to-meeting clothing may be difficult, but not impossible.
One option, which may be a bit drastic and expensive, is to simply burn all his old Sunday-go-to-meeting clothing when he is hunting. Then when he returns he will have to get new ones. I will tell you that this option will upset him greatly, for he has sentimentally become attached to them and the loss of them is like losing some of his most prize possessions. If he truly loves you he will get over it, if not, problem still solved!
The second opinion, is to convince him that it is his idea to get new duds. I will admit that this one is the hardest, for if he can not see he needs them now, convincing him will take a lot of work on your part.
Now we come to the third option and most under handed and conniving one of all, but it is one that should work if all else fails! The next time he goes hunting for a week or more, take all of his Sunday -go-to-meeting clothes and take them in so they do not fit him when he returns from hunting. I can see the smile and wheels turning in your mind now! The beauty of this option is that he will blame it on the beer, Jack and food he consumed while hunting. He will then want to go get new clothes and it will look like it was his ideal!


Good luck!

Submitted July 21st

Q.     Oh wise Redneck Guru I have been with my wife for over ten years.  Recently I have felt that she may be stepping out on me.  It is little signs that lead me to believe this.  How can I know for sure if she is? 

Please help me! Walter H Mn-Loving Husband

 

A.     I do believe I can assist you loving husband.  It is usually the spouse that is the last to know.  I have a test that will assist you in determining if she is stepping out or plain out cheating on you.  The first clue that she may be cheating is when you come home and check the frig and the case of Budweiser you had just bought is all gone.  When asked she advises you the dog drank it.  Then comes the second clue; you have to start grilling your own dinner, because she is just too tired.  The third clue is when she introduces you to her long lost cousin or your cousin, bother, or uncle is her new best friend.  Depending on how far it has advanced you may notice that she is watching a lot of Jerry Springer on television and telling you about it when you come home.  Last but certainly not least, but it is like the kiss of death, is when you get a phone call from the Jerry Springer show and you are invited to be a guest. 

 

Submitted July 1,2009

Q.     Okay Redneck Guru here is a challenge. I have been dating this nice redneck for over two months.  I think I am in love with him but not sure if he likes me.  How can I be sure he likes me before I tell him I love him and make a fool of myself?

Tiffany NC-  In Love

 

 

A.     I can help you Tiffany.  The redneck male is a creature of habit and the only thing that will break him from that habit is a female.  If he has been bitten by the love bug it will be easy to see the signs.   Do not let the fact that he washes his pick up truck fool you into believing you have him.  He may do that to impress you.  Now if he takes you out to a restaurant where he is required to leave a tip, you may be getting to him.  A couple of other helpful tips are when he takes you out on a date and mud pulling and watching him and his friends drink beer and belch is not the entertainment.  When he shares his Budweiser with you and does not expect anything in return.  Now you are getting closer to your answer.  The next step is when he agrees to meet your parents and wears his best blue jeans for the occasion.  Then he carves your initials in a tree or a building with a heart around them.  The last step will be when he opens the passenger door of his pick up truck for you to get in and does not make you crawl under the steering wheel from the driver's side.  This is when you know he is head over heels in love with you.  Trust the wise Redneck Guru when he tells you no self respecting redneck would let his friends see him opening a passenger door for a lady unless he was helplessly, blind in love with her. I do hope this is of some assistance Tiffany..

Question: May 19th 

 

 

 

 

Questions: As a yankee I was wondering, is there anyway to take the country out of the redneck or is it a lost cause?
Sent in by: May C

  Well May I have read your question and pondered many hours on how to respond.  The easy and simple way to respond would be with another question to you.  Why would you want to?  Every one knows girls love country boys.

     But the wise old Redneck Guru would not be so wise if he could not do better then that.  As I meditated and let my mind wonder back in time, I reflected on the time spent with Grandpa Redneck.  His wisdom was advanced beyond his time.  I can remember setting on the banks of the Suwannee River meditating with Grandpa Redneck and he advised me that all men are born equal, however only the fortunate ones grow up to be true rednecks.  The greatest advantage of being a true redneck is common sense.  A redneck can get all duded up and set down and break bread with the quote "upadie" people, at a table with to many forks and know to watch what they do.  This helps him fit into that situation.  The redneck would never use too many forks to eat a mean, he has way to much common sense to waist energy washing dishes not needed.  Why would anyone need 2 or 3 forks to eat a meal?

     The true redneck today has many advantages over the upadie class.  He can mingle in their world, but the same can not be said of them.  Very few upadie people can rise to the level of redneckism.   If one is fortunate enough too be born and raised as a redneck he would never want to lose that heritage, therefore the response to your question is simple NO, you can not take the country out of the redneck.

 

Submitted 5/15

Name:  Lava
State:  FL
Questions:  What kind of snakes do you see there and are there any photos?

Q.     What kind of snakes do you see there and are there any photos?

 

 

A.     The Wise Old Redneck Guru has one thing to say about snakes "EWWWWWWWWWW".  To be honest we do have a multitude of snakes at Wilderness Calls. I was at Wilderness Calls a few weeks ago, enjoying a leisurely ATV ride in the wilderness, when a big black in color snake was on one of the trails.  I am not sure what kind it was but it was big.  In the short time Wilderness Calls has been in existence I have observed several different kinds of snakes.  They range from the deadly ones (rattler, moccasins) to the ones that will make you scream but harmless (black, green, oak, indigo) and some I do know what they would be called.  When growing up the wise old Redneck Guru learned at a early age that some snakes are better then others, but they all have a place in the chain of nature.  The wise old Redneck Guru has a saying when he observes a snake in the wilderness "feets don't fail me now".  If one is into the slither creatures, we have almost any species that range the southern United States of America.

     The wise old Redneck Guru will share a story with you about snakes and Wilderness Calls.  When Wilderness Calls was in its infancy, we did not have the pretty crapper house and had to visit the wilderness to take care of personal business.  I had eased out into a pine forest to take a nature break, when the memorable event occurred.  I had just got comfortable, when I looked up and low and behold just 5 feet in front of me was a LARGE rattle snake.  Trust me when I tell you this was a time when I remembered what I had learned many years earlier.  All that was going through the wise old Redneck Guru's mind was "feets don't fail me now" and they didn't.  The bad part was I forgot why I was in the pine forest.  The wise old Redneck Guru feels that snakes have a place in nature and they are god's creatures, but I do not like to be any where near one.

     As for why we do not have a lot of pictures of snakes.  The spy cam picks up movement to activate the camera.  It would be hard for the sensor to pick up a slithering, sliding snake.  We are more then open to have someone come up, spend a few days, using our nature package and take some pictures of snakes.   

 

 

 

Submitted 5/11

Q: I am originally from NY and wonder what is the difference between a redneck and a hillybilly? Aren't they the same? Chandra F

A.     The wise old Redneck Guru is an expert on half of this question.  I am sure through my wisdom and knowledge I can clarify this for you.  The two have several things in common and this is where it is hard to tell them apart at times.  Both hate shoes, ties, dress pants and any food that they can not pronounce the name of.  The two are a product of there environment and are clannish by nature, more for survival then being prejudice.  The Redneck is the farmer and got his name from the sun beating down on his neck.  The Hillbilly grew up in the hills and produced moonshine, social drinking refreshment.  The two did not have an opportunity go attend public schools and were considered illiterate.  The two were both enterprising and intelligent business men in there own way.  You could say they were the first to conduct interstate commerce trade.  The Redneck grew the corn and the Hillbilly used the corn to make moonshine.  The two used this working relationship before interstates were invented.  The two had to use there limited education to conduct business, but both seem to be very successful.

     Now we can look at the differences between the two individuals.  The Redneck worked in the fields to grow the corn.  This caused his neck to turn red from the hot sun.  The Hillbilly worked in the hills at night to brew the moonshine, to avoid the revenuers and Law Men, therefore he got little sun.  This is also where the myth that a Hillbilly was lazy and slept all day, comes from.  He had to sleep in the day time, for he had worked all night.  The Hillbilly normally had strength in his lower body from climbing hills and running from the revenuers and the Redneck had upper body strength from manual labor in the fields all day.

 

Resubmitted 5/8/09

April 24th this appeeared in James Desk first

First Name:  Eloise LaDuc

Questions or Comments: 
I read your article on gardening and need help with my own. The squirrel creatures are destroying it.HELP!

         There numerous methods utilized in attempt to prevent the little critters form terrorizing gardens, however; few are successful.  Extreme methods like most are final for the exposed critters, but without efforts to elevate the problem, the exposed will be replaced when another arrives. Traps and poison are option utilized in extreme conditions.

     The natural way, the way mother-nature intended, is always the best; birds of prey such as the hawk, predators such as the canine and feline, and the serpent; of course the good ones. It would be nice if these beautiful creatures were abundant and solved the rodent problems. A Taby cat in your garden will control rodents looking for a tender morsel.      

     Other methods include; scarecrows which are effective once, predator scents and artificial scents are sometimes effective, human scents; such as hair clipping has been successfully, but it my not be effective in the city, moth ball as a deterrent works temporarily, high frequency sound emitters are also effective for a short period of time,.

Squirrels are determined little critters and sights and smells become customary. They will literally remove the stench, so place your moth balls or preferred odor in a metal bag, affix the bag securely, and replace the contents every few day for true success.

     Fencing can be an effective method providing a strong metal is used to prevent the rodent from chewing through and the area to be protected is totally covered. Electric fencing has been used successfully, rodents provide a poor ground and not usually harmed by the fence, however a certified licensed professional must be used to erect such a fence properly to prevent harm to a well grounded animal or even yourself.

     Trapping for relocation is effective and best when completed by professionals. If you're trapping a squirrels protective equipment will be necessary, squirrels are small, but very dangerous. The proper trap should be utilized to ensure the safety of the squirrels. Be aware and considerate of nesting squirrels. Once trapped squirrels must be removed quickly to prevent stress to the animal... Relocation should be at least three miles away, where food, water, and shelter are plentiful to prevent the return of the squirrel. Insure all squirrels are removed others will eventually take their place. Concerns, problems, or questions should be directed to the professional trapper or local animal control experts.

 

The wise old Redneck Guru was reading the question and response from our conservationist about a squirrel problem a lady had.  His response to the question was very good, but if she would have asked the wise old Redneck Guru this question, his response would have been much different.  
     I believe two ways of dealing with a problem is always better then one, so I have decided to add my wisdom to this issue.  While growing up and becoming the wise Redneck Guru, we never had a problem with squirrels in our garden.  The solution was a bit simpler then what the conservationist came up with.  Grandpa Redneck would take his single shot, long barrel, 16 gage shot gun out and harvest the pesty critters.  Then they would be cleaned and placed in a stew, with onions, carrots and potatoes.   Cooked for several hours, until they were tender and served with hot biscuits.  It was a win, win situation, the pesty critters were gone and the clan had a tasty meal.  I do realize this may cause a problem if you live in the city, discharging a fire arm, but is a permanent solution to the problem.  Later the wise old Redneck Guru will give you his squirrel recipes in case you need to use them.

 

Submitted April 28th

 

Name:  Linda
State:  FL
Questions:  Where did the term redneck originate?  I always figured it was some ignorant "Yankee", but have wondered occasionally.  Thanks,
Linda

 

 The wise old Redneck Guru is very knowledgeable in this area.  This is one of the questions I asked Grandpa Redneck when we were meditating on the banks of the Suwannee River many years ago.  There are many definitions for the word redneck.  The problem with the definitions you get in a dictionary is that the individual giving them was never a redneck.  It is hard to define a word like Redneck if you were never a redneck.  It would be kind of like having a redneck define nuclear fusion (whatever that is).  Not knowing what a redneck is to start with the dictionary definitions can be misleading.  Example; many definitions refer to the redneck as a prejudice individual.  A true redneck is clannish by nature and tends to take care of their own, which leads people to thank the redneck is prejudice.

     The true definition of a redneck as only the Redneck Guru can give, comes from a southern work Red-Nek- person with a red neck, from working in the fields - a high level of common sense - clannish by nature - loyal to their family and friends - considered uneducated by book learning.

     Let there be no mistake it is a southern word and if you have heard it used to say something bad about a person from the north, it was used to insult that person.  It would be like calling a Redneck a Yankee.  Them would be fighting words.



 

Submitted April 24th

 

Q.      Redneck Guru I am in love with a gorgeous lady.  The problem is I am from New York and she is from a redneck family. Can I ever fit into her world?  James C- Love starved Northerner.

 

 

A.     The Redneck Guru's clan did have an outsider join the clan, so I will be able to help you with this problem.  My aunt married a man from Boston and they have been married over 50 years, which is a miracle in itself.  First you will always be a Yankee to your in-laws, just part of life, deal with it.  If you have a tough skin and can survive the initial shock of the clan you have a chance.  My advice is to find the leader of the clan, father, grandfather, let him know that you only have his little girls' interest at heart.  If he accepts you, you have a chance, for he is the head of the clan and the rest will follow his lead.  It will be years before you are totally accepted into the clan, but it can happen.  NEVER try and impress them with imitating their talk, walk or mannerisms, you will lose.  You can be accepted as part of the clan but will never be a redneck; it is a way of life that starts at birth.  I will tell you that once you are accepted they will kill for you.  Good luck and just remember you can be accepted but you will never be a redneck.

 

 

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