Guru Report, tries on camo coffin

Now folks, the Wise Old Redneck Guru has done some things in the past that even Grandpa Redneck would have said, "Son what are ya thinkin?", but at the Perry Buckarama I took it to a new level. I had seen a coffin that was camo colored and thought, "What would it be like to lay down in that thing? I wonder if anyone could see me in all that camo?" I guess it is like having your wake before you die to see what wonderful stuff people say out loud about you. When deep down they are saying, "Shoot I thought the old grouch would live forever!." I decided that if the care taker of this gorgeous coffin would let me, I would try it out for size.
The plan was set and at the close of the show on Saturday, myself, little Samuel, Kadie, Dana and of course my partner James all ventured to the booth with the coffin. I did notice that James brought his high powered photo lens, so he would not have to get too close to the coffin. I still think they were all saying, "No way he will do this"!!!! The caretaker of the coffin assisted me in entering the coffin and Little Samuel was smiling, (not too sure what that was all about). I am hoping it was because his old Dad was doing something out of the norm!!! I will say the box is not the most comfortable thing in the world, but the pillow was so soft I threatened to take it back to the hotel with me. First the caretaker put the bottom lid down and to be honest that was not too scary. When he started to close the top one, I began to think," What if this thing gets stuck?" Oh well, at least I would be in a pretty box! Thankfully it did not get stuck and I made it out of the gorgeous coffin alive.
I will be honest, I am not looking forward to laying in one of them things forever, but I guess when the time comes, the size of the box will not matter. I am sure I will never look at a coffin the same now, occupied or empty!

Guru Report (snakes)

One of our guests of the web site posed a question to the Wise Old Redneck Guru. "Are you scared of Snakes?" After giving it some thought, I have decided to explain a little why my response to J. T. was "Absolutely!!!!!!! "
When the Wise Old Redneck Guru was in his infant stage and still under the tutelage of Grand Pa Redneck, I was fortunate enough to be raised in the wilderness along the banks of the Suwannee River. You did not have to wander far away from the house to find one of God's slithering creatures. As children we were taught that all snakes were bad and to run away when we saw one. To this day, I believe it was for our own protection. Grandpa Redneck and the rest of the adults knew we would be roaming the woods and the Suwannee River swamp. This kept us from getting bit by the dreaded rattler snake or water moccasin. I can remember the adults advising us that if we got bit by a rattler, we only had 30 minutes to get to a doctor or we would surely die! Now let me tell you, this put the fear of God in me! Even then I wanted to grow up to be a Wise "Old Redneck Guru"! There were stories that the adults told that backed all this up! I'm not too sure how factual they were, but they were told and we listened!  To this day, if I see a rattle snake, I say to myself "feets don't fail me now".  I am sure modern medicine has come a long way and the chance of dieing by a snake bite is less, but trust me when I say, "I am going to do everything to keep from finding out!"
Another reason I find myself getting a cold chill when I see a snake, is you never see them before they are right by you! Little slithering critters will not warn you that they are there like other animals. You can be walking along and all of a sudden something tells you to look down and there he is, a slimy slithering snake.  When this happens to me, my heart will miss a beat. I then have a flashback from my childhood days when Grandpa Redneck would say "boy all snakes are bad"!!!!!!
I realize now that I am older and wiser that all snakes are not bad.  Some help keep the rodents down, like rats, mice and other little critters and some will attack poisonous snakes.  A lot of people have snakes for pets.  I still find that one a little hard to believe!  I would be scared the slithering critter would escape and I would wake up with him in the bed with me.  I also know that they have a place in the chain of life or God would not have created them.  Not too sure what he was thinking when he did however!!!
You could say that the Wise Old Redneck Guru believes in the old saying live and let live, as long as the slimy, slithering, critter keeps his distance from me.  I do hope this helps clear up my response to whether I like snakes or not.

Wise Old Redneck Guru

                    Wise Old Redneck Guru on Olympics

It is that time again, Winter Olympics. Now when the Wise Old Redneck Guru was meditating with Grandpa Redneck, he was never advised about this great event. Might have been there were no events that would have interested Grandpa Redneck.
I was fortunate enough to be watching TV in a local restaurant a couple of times in the past few weeks that were showing the Olympics on TV. The one that caught my attention was an event where a bunch of men were sweeping clean ice. It was not bad enough to see men sweeping but there was no dirt on the ice! As I watched, it made me even more curious as to why they would be chasing a piece of rock and sweeping the ice. I was informed that it was called "curling", not too sure why, just looked like sweeping to me. This got me to thinking, why not introduce some redneck events into the Olympics? They couldn't be any worse than this sweeping ice thing. Yeah, we could  include some Redneck events! It would give the rednecks something to excel in and be on the big magic box. So I decided I would like to introduce four or five new events.
First we could have rock skipping. For all the people that do not know what rock skipping is, it is where you take a nice flat rock, toss it and it skips across a body of water. The more skips you count, the better you are at it. Wow what a concept! This could be done in the Winter and Summer Olympics. It could be skipped on ice in the winter and water in the summer. The judging would be simple, the throwing style or the chuck, distance, amount of skips and distance between skips, could all be added up for the score. I will admit the summer games would be a tad bit more difficult to score, but I am sure they could use instant replay to assist them.
Second would be Cow Tipping. Now I know what you are thinking, that would hurt the cows! Not really, it would only wake them up. It is not like they have to go to work the next morning. It could be a timed event. The most cows tipped in say, two minutes. Now it would have to be an event without a lot of noise so they could sneak up on the cows, but hey, golf is played on a cow pasture and they all seem to stay fairly quiet.
The third event would be tobacco spitting. The judging would be easy, three categories: style, distance, and size of spatter. This could be a unisex event, so the redneck girls could join in the fun and competition.
The fourth event would be the Hog Calling. The judges would have to all be pig farmers or past winners from the state fairs. This would be judged on style, volume and how many hogs you called in to where you are.
Then last but certainly not least would be the mud wrestling competition. This event could be done by male and females but not in the same pool of mud. We would use the same rules as the Olympic wrestling is judged on, but an added bonus for the amount of mud the competitor gets on them. Now folks if this event alone does not draw ESPN, CNN and a few other alphabet channels, I do not know what else to say!
Well there you have, it the Wise Old Redneck Guru's advice to the Olympic committee for the next Olympics. They should consider all the rednecks that would buy or borrow a TV to watch the games, if these few events were added. That alone would be worth a few dollars. Not only that, it would definitely be way more exciting than watching a group of men sweep clean ice!

Guru's Atlanta Adventure

Now let me tell you, the Wise Old Redneck Guru has seen something this month that would have made Grandpa Redneck scratch his head in amazement; a field that was all asphalt! James and I were traveling to a trade show in Dalton, Georgia on Interstate 75, when he advised me that we were going to travel through Atlanta, Georgia on Interstate 75. As we entered the city of Atlanta, the road added lanes until it appeared to be a large field of asphalt. Back when I was meditating on the Suwannee River in north Florida, I thought the river was wide, but this road had even the Suwannee River beat! At one point there were more lanes than you could count, as the river of cars, trucks, buses and every other kind of vehicle traveled down this river of asphalt. Hey! We were only on the northbound side! There was a river just as big flowing with vehicles on the southbound side!
As we traveled north on this huge river, I noticed that the lane on the left, did not have any traffic in it. It was as if it was special and only there to look at. I assumed it was the double white lines that scared the massive amount of traffic away from it. Later I learned it was for multiple-occupant vehicles. Not sure how many people qualified for it being a multiple-occupant, sure looked like some of the vehicles had a lot of people in them though! As we traveled north in the left lane of the multitude of lanes it happened ... Yes! Our exit was way on the other bank of the river and all them cars were in our way. Now James did an outstanding job of cutting cars off to get to the exit. I sure am glad we had a Georgia tag on our trailer, would not want them folks to think we were from the back woods, driving like that!
Now if the trip up was not scary enough, we topped it on the way back! When we needed to exit this time, "well you guessed it" we missed our exit again and traveled into the heart of Atlanta, Georgia. It was like the huge river had branched off into a smaller one, only five or six lanes. Now folks if you can imagine it, being dark in this big city and here we are pulling a large trailer. Well, after driving east for several miles and the buildings getting larger, we began to look for a turn around. Would have been a good time to have a GPS system, because the creators of this river forgot to put a turnaround in it. Being the Wise Old Redneck Guru, I made the decision to exit, U turn and go west for a while, in hopes to find Interstate 75 again. It seems a lot of people had this problem, where we exited there was a U turn under the overpass, for people to travel back east on the same roadway. It was like they planned for people to get lost! When we reached Interstate 75 southbound again, it was a relief to say the least! I think next time we will get a map before traveling near a large city. Heck! We may even take a peek at it!